( theme song playing )
First, a troop plane was derailed here.
Then a train carrying fuel
was sabotaged at this point.
And yesterday, a hospital train,
right here, with Red Cross markings,
was attacked.
They bombed a hospital train?
Blew it to bits, with the very first bomb.
Only one bomb destroyed the whole train?
The train was loaded with ammunition
from the engine to the caboose.
Ah! Three vitally important shipments destroyed
in four weeks. Terrible.
Shocking.
This next train must get through.
It is carrying aircraft engines which the Luftwaffe
needs very badly.
Who knows about the scheduling
of these trains?
Besides me, you mean?
Naturally, General, you are beyond suspicion.
Thank you.
Advance information is given only to the commandants
of the POW camps in the area.
Braun, Schlessinger and Klink.
Braun and Schlessinger are dedicated, loyal officers.
They would not be traitors.
That leaves only Klink.
It would seem so, wouldn't it?
Klink is too stupid to be part of a sabotage plot.
Then why do you keep him in his job, General?
Because no prisoner has ever escaped
from his camp and no other prison commandant
can match that record.
A perfect cover up for a traitor,
but he cannot outwit the Gestapo.
We will catch him.
If he's guilty.
Whether he's guilty or not, we, at the Gestapo,
deal only in results.
I suppose you have some sort of a plan?
Ja, I have.
You will have Captain Herber here, assigned...
You will have Captain Herber here assigned
to Klink as his aide.
That way you will have an eye on him
and when he makes his first mistake,
I will have my traitor.
You can depend on me, sir.
I will get him.
How are they camouflaging the train with the airplane parts?
At my suggestion, it will be, to all outward appearances,
a luxury passenger train.
The Berlin Express.
What do you think of the idea?
Oh, I think it is every bit as good as your idea
for the hospital train.
Well, that takes care of the hospital train.
Now we've got to be looking for
the next shipment.
Maybe they'll send it in by covered wagon.
In that case, they can expect an Indian attack.
Colonel.
Yeah?
Headquarters just got the recon photos
of yesterday's bombing raid.
They send congratulations.
We aim to please.
And there's a P.S.
Underground reports of aircraft engines
being shipped by rail.
"We're counting on you."
Hmm.
Newkirk?
Sir?
Did you replace those missing parts
to Klink's staff car?
Yes, sir. They're all put back in again.
Take them back out again.
We made need the car tonight.
I wonder what kind of train they'll use this time.
They've tried to fool us
with an excursion train, a hospital train...
Hey. It might be a good idea
to disguise this one as a munitions train.
Yeah.
We'll know all the details
as soon as Klink gets the schedule.
I saw Schultz taking in the mail
a few minutes ago.
Well, what are we waiting here for?
We've got a train to catch.
A Captain Herber?
That's very nice of you, General Burkhalter,
but I don't need an aide.
You see...
Yes, sir.
I need all the help I can get and shut up.
Thank you, sir. Heil Hitler.
Hogan, what do you want?
I just want to say good morning, Colonel.
What a lovely morning it is, too.
The sun is shining. The sky is clear.
A brisk breeze is blowing.
And when I want a weather report, I'll turn on the radio.
I left strict instructions with Sergeant Schultz
not to be disturbed.
Oh, good!
We haven't had one of our
private little chats in a long time.
And we're not going to have one, either.
I'm busy and I'm in no mood for it.
You sound like a man who could use a little good news.
I certainly could.
And I hope you get some,
because what I have to say is terrible.
It always is.
Well, it's not really that bad.
It's just, it's going to take a week
to fix your car.
A week to have my car fixed?
I only took it to the motor pool to have it washed.
And a lucky thing you did.
Otherwise, my men wouldn't have found out
what was wrong with it.
It was dirty, that's what was wrong with it, nothing else.
Colonel Klink! Are you a mechanic?
Can you honestly say you're an expert
in gasoline engines?
It takes an expert to see that a car needs washing?
You haven't driven that car
in quite a while.
Eight parts are missing. Here's a list of them.
Eight parts are missing?
How?
They didn't just disappear.
By golly, Sergeant Carter used those very same words.
I guess you are an expert in mechanics at that.
When I drove the car into town
the other day, it was perfectly all right.
That's it. They were stolen.
It's the only answer.
Stolen?
The day you drove into town. Oh, they'll steal anything.
You don't know them like I do.
Those Krauts are as crooked
as a dog's hind leg.
Don't tell me about those Krauts.
I was born here.
A bigger bunch of thieves never existed...
Hogan.
If those parts were gone, how was it possible
for me to drive back here, huh?
Good point.
They must have been stolen right here
in camp by one of your guards.
They're worse than those gangsters in town.
How do you know it wasn't one
of the prisoners, hmm?
Why pin it on the prisoners? They haven't done anything.
No reason to suspect them.
The fact that they're in jail might be a good start.
They're not here for stealing.
They're here because they're men
who believe in freeing the world
from the yoke of tyranny
and oppression.
Men who believe...
When I want a long-winded speech,
I'll listen to the Fuhrer.
Are you sure you had nothing to do with the missing parts?
Me? Yeah, yeah.
I stole them.
For months now I've been stealing auto parts.
You see, secretly in the barracks,
we're building a getaway car.
( buzzer )
These are a real dust catchers, these are, Schultz.
So what is it, Schultz?
You buzzed me.
I did not.
Yes, you did, sir. I saw it myself.
You said I'm going to check into this thing
and you reached over and pressed the buzzer.
I did? Mm-hmm.
Oh! Yes, I remember now.
Of course I buzzed you. Yes.
I knew I wasn't hearing things, Herr Kommandant.
What do you want, Herr Kommandant?
Well, I... I... What is it I wanted, Hogan?
You were going to check into this thing.
Yes.
I want you to check into this thing and I want you
to check into it thoroughly.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Check into what thing?
Ask Hogan, I don't even remember pushing the buzzer.
All right, turn around. Perfect.
Well, sir, what do you think?
Good. Very good.
You think it looks enough like Colonel Klink
to fool the guards at the gate?
Just talk loud, don't make any sense
and they'll never know the difference.
Hey, how about giving Carter a couple of medals?
Yeah, what sort of decoration does Klink have?
Stolen.
All right. You've got everything straight?
Maybe you'd better run through it once more.
Colonel Klink isn't too bright, you know.
At 9:55 I go in to the station master
and I tell him I have this package that has to go out
on the Berlin Express.
It's of great military importance.
And if he asks any questions?
I yell and scream at him.
Call him a few 12-letter names, and if he still gives me
an argument, I think of something else.
Carter, you overpower him quickly and quietly.
I think it's much safer to think of something else.
Andrew, the station master's a little old man.
Uh-huh, and sometimes little old men have big ol' guns.
Carter,
civilians aren't allowed to carry firearms, and besides,
Kinch will be outside if you need any help.
Right. I'll be right on the floor in the back of the car
when LeBeau brings it around to Klink's quarters.
Have you got the dynamite charge and the timer?
It's all set.
The train picks up that mail pouch,
30 minutes later, kabloom!
That's what I call a real special delivery.
Say, could we get in some sort of trouble
for tampering with the mail?
What a sight.
Suddenly all those letters will be going by air,
so will the train.
All right, now. Look, don't hang around.
And for goodness sakes, don't drive back into the camp.
Ditch the car and come in through the tunnel.
You better stay inside tonight, sir,
and keep an eye out for falling box cars.
I've had a most trying day.
Maybe you should go to bed, sir.
Yes, I could use a good night's sleep.
Shall I bring a glass of warm milk to your room?
Yes, Herber.
I assume you want me to awaken you at 6:30 as usual?
That's right.
Herber... how do you know about the warm milk
and when to wake me up, hmm?
I make it a point to learn everything I can
when I am assigned to a new commandant.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
I still don't quite understand
why the General sent me an aide.
It's only fitting
for an officer of your importance, Colonel.
Of course.
You see, up until now, all I've had is Sergeant Schultz.
He wasn't much of an aide though.
From what I've seen,
he isn't much of a sergeant either.
That's funny. Very funny.
Sergeant Schultz isn't much of a sergeant either.
Oh, I must remember that.
Good night, Colonel.
Good night, Captain.
You didn't call for your hot milk, Herr Kommandant,
but I fixed it anyway.
Thank you, Schultz.
You don't have to thank me,
Herr Kommandant.
This is all part of being not much of an aide.
( barking )
What's the matter with Bruno?
It's the uniform.
You know how he hates Germans.
You have to get out now, Bruno. Go on.
Bruno, you've got things to do.
Get out of the car.
Well, it's almost time for the Fuhrer's speech.
( dog whines )
This should be one of his longest speeches.
About five hours, I guess.
( whining and growling )
( chuckles ): That always gets him.
How about the package of dynamite?
I've got it back here.
Come on, the train's due in 45 minutes.
Good luck.
Carter's got a lot to do on this one.
I hope he doesn't foul up.
You don't have to worry about Carter, sir.
When the chips are down,
there is no one I'd rather have...
Kinch is with him, isn't he, sir?
Yeah.
Well, then, you don't have to worry
about Carter, 'cause when the chips are down,
there's no one I'd rather have backing me up than Kinch.
Carter made it through
the main gate with no problems.
So far, so good.
( telephone dialing )
Klink's up awfully late.
I thought you said he'd gone to bed.
Good news, Major.
Klink is our man, no question about it.
Who's that?
Klink's new aide.
I knew it.
What information do you have?
Well, after trying to make me believe he was going to bed,
he got in his car and I saw him leave.
He was headed for the railroad station.
Huh. You have done a fine night's work, Captain.
Now, look around Klink's office
and see if you can find any more incriminating evidence.
Then telephone the stationmaster,
and tell him to contact the train
to put Plan B into effect.
Got to intercept that phone call or we lose Carter and Kinch.
Newkirk, get down to our switchboard.
We haven't had a tie to Klink's office
since the last inspection.
LeBeau, go get Kinch's stuff.
I'll stall Herber while you rig,
and don't waste any time.
Right.
Newkirk, when he makes the call, you take it.
Jawohl, mein Colonel!
So you like Commandant...
Oh, I'm sorry, you must be Colonel Klink's new aide.
I'm Colonel Hogan, senior officer...
What are you doing here?
Well, I just came to discuss
something with the commandant.
Why did you walk in here without knocking first?
Well, I really would have
given you some kind of warning,
but how did I know you were trying
to break into Klink's desk?
I wasn't breaking into the desk.
I was looking for something I misplaced.
If it's the letter opener,
it's still stuck in the drawer where you misplaced it.
I don't think I care for your attitude, Colonel,
or your insulting accusations.
I didn't mean to be insulting.
Evidently I owe you an apology.
I, uh, I say just because we're enemies,
there's no reason we can't be friends.
Why did you shut the curtains?
Well, you didn't want them open.
Why didn't I?
Let me ask you something, Captain...
how long you been a crook?
I told you before, Colonel,
I will not stand for your insults.
What insults?
I didn't say you were a bum crook, or a stupid crook.
I just asked how long you've been one,
and let me tell you something else.
You're not going to be one much longer
if you don't close the curtains
when you're ransacking an office.
I wasn't ransacking the office.
I have a very good reason for being here.
A very legitimate reason.
Captain, you don't have to explain to me.
You're a prisoner of war.
I don't have to answer to you.
No, you don't.
Then stop asking me questions and get out of here!
Okay, okay, I'm leaving.
Let me just say, you're not going
to get very far in the crook business
with that nasty temper.
Otto Knobel, stationmaster.
Was ist los?
This is Captain Herber of the Gestapo.
Jawohl, jawohl, Captain.
This is Otto Knobel, stationmaster,
at the station house.
Shut up and listen closely.
You are to contact the Berlin Express
and tell them to switch to the alternate route.
Jawohl, Captain, to switch to the alternate route.
Jawohl, Herr Captain.
That was the call, sir.
Watch the board for a few minutes
in case Herber decides to call back and double check.
Jawohl, Herr Colonel.
Nice going, Colonel.
For a moment, it looked like we were in big trouble.
Klink still is.
The Gestapo captain's practically got him
in front of a firing squad right now.
But since he didn't have
anything to do with the sabotage...
all he has to do is explain where he was
and what he was doing.
Klink went straight to his quarters
and went to sleep.
This will be a little hard to prove.
Well, maybe Schultz or someone had to go into his room and...
Klink has a standing order.
He's not to be disturbed until morning.
And what a disturbing morning he's in for.
Facing a firing squad
is a lousy way to start off the day.
( sighs )
Let's get back upstairs.
I think I know a way to save Klink's neck.
Morning, Schultz.
Good morning.
Good morning?!
Hogan!
What's wrong, Schultz?
Shh. The commandant is sleeping.
Not after I wake him, he won't be.
Colonel!
Oh, come on, Schultz.
Colonel Hogan.
Shh!
When the commandant goes to bed,
he does not want to be disturbed.
There is a sentry outside in front of the door,
with orders to see that he's not being disturbed.
So please take your hand off the door.
But I have to see him on a very urgent matter.
It will have to wait until tomorrow, please.
Schultz, will you listen to me? Take your hand off the door.
It only will take a minute. It will have to wait, please.
Take you hand off the doorknob.
Okay, Schultz.
I, uh, just hope he isn't mad
at you for not waking him.
Colonel Hogan.
Why do you give up so easily?
No tricks?
Schultz, if you say he is not
to be disturbed, I am not gonna disturb him.
Oh, I forgot.
Now wait a minute.
Hold it, hold it!
Schultz!
One move or I'll shoot.
I'm an expert shot.
You better stay where you are.
Hogan.
Where's Schultz?
Right here, sir.
Guarding the door.
But I am innocent and loyal.
How could I be part of a sabotage plot
when I was in bed all night?
Ask my aide, Captain Herber.
He knows where I was all evening.
Indeed he does.
You would be amazed how much Herber knows about you.
What do you mean?
He also knows about your staff car
being delivered to you...
And about being driven off by you
in an attempt to sabotage the Berlin Express.
That's impossible.
My car's in the garage being repaired.
Then why did we find it parked
off the side of the road just outside this camp?
Maybe it was stolen.
Klink, who would steal your staff car?
The soldiers.
They'd steal a dog's hind leg.
They're worse than those gangsters in town.
Dogs, gangsters. Klink, what are you...?
Well, Colonel Klink, you don't look
very well rested for having had all that sleep.
Does he?
General Burkhalter, there's your man.
I was asleep.
He was not.
Obviously, he's the saboteur
and he's trying to pin it on me.
That is a distinct possibility.
It's the only answer.
Guards!
Arrest that man.
General Burkhalter,
you better arrest that man.
If you let me have a gun... somebody!
I'll arrest him myself.
Here is your confession, Klink.
You can sign this on the bottom line.
I'm not going to sign anything.
Hmm. I was hoping you would say that.
But I haven't done anything.
I was sound asleep until that clumsy oaf,
Sergeant Schultz, fell through the...
That's it.
Schultz and Hogan were in my bedroom tonight.
What time was that?
I'm not sure.
But you can ask that clumsy oaf...
That fine, loyal,
German fighting machine, Sergeant Schultz.
I swear, sir, I haven't done anything.
I always do nothing.
I see nothing, I hear nothing
and above all, I know nothing.
We just want to ask you
a few questions, Sergeant Schultz.
Forgive me, sir--
Private Schultz.
Private?
Back to private?
When did this happen?
Shortly after I fell through the Colonel's bedroom door.
Very shortly after.
Now, uh...
Schultz, you didn't take
my little joke seriously, did you?
You fell through the bedroom door?
In the line of duty, sir.
In defense of my commandant against this-this,
this unknown assailant.
I just wanted to tell the commandant
his car was missing.
What do I get for my trouble?
All privileges denied for a month.
I don't even want to talk about it.
Joking, Hogan. Joking.
When will you learn what a prankster I am?
Exactly what time did this happen?
About 11:00.
That's about right, isn't it, Schultz?
Three minutes after.
Three minutes after?
You just happened
to look at your watch, huh?
No, sir, I happened to sit on it.
It stopped at the very time.
( telephone ringing )
Major Hochstetter here.
What do you mean you cannot complete my call?
Oh?
I see.
Captain, did you...?
( heels click )
Captain, did you contact
the stationmaster as I told you?
Certainly, sir.
I gave them your orders word for word.
( heels click )
That's very interesting.
The telephone lines to the station
have been down all day.
Ja.
Klink!
You are dismissed, and take them with you.
KLINK: Certainly, sir. Thank you, sir.
And may I say, never has there
been a wiser and fairer...
Klink! Shut up and get out.
Yes, sir, I'm shutting up and I'm getting out.
And now... Captain Herber.
Oh! Oh! Herr Kommandant, please forgive me.
Oh, it was an accident.
Please, Herr Kommandant, it will never happen again.
Please tell me I'm forgiven.
You're forgiven... private.
And where do you think you're going?
To see Colonel Klink.
The commandant went back to sleep
and does not want to be disturbed,
not by anyone-- those are his orders.
This is important.
His sleep is important, too.
I'm gonna see him.
And I say you won't.
And I say I will.
You will not!
I will!
Will not!
What's all this noise for?
Oh, I'm glad you're awake.
I'm not. I mean, I wasn't. I-I...
Hogan, why did you wake me?
I told you he wouldn't like it.
When I can't sleep because of you,
I think it's only fair that you shouldn't sleep because of me.
I'm not even going to try
to understand what you said.
Well, Herr Kommandant, what he means...
I don't want your explanation!
I couldn't sleep thinking about the injustice
of your taking away my privileges for a month.
Why don't you cancel the order?
When I give an order it stays.
I never change my mind.
So forget it.
Oh?
All right.
Maybe that won't be all I'll forget.
I couldn't care less if...
What else will you forget?
Well, I, uh, I might forget
that I was your alibi for being in your quarters.
Oh, you wouldn't.
He was there. He remembers.
Mm-hmm.
How's, uh... How's
your memory, Private Schultz?
Oh. Sometimes I remember everything
and then sometimes I forget everything.
Mm-hmm.
All right.
All privileges restored.
Thank you.
And as for you, Schultz-- I mean Sergeant Schultz.
Oh, thank you,
Herr Kommandant.
This is a moment I will never forget.
This is one moment I don't want you to remember.
They said I was nowhere near that train!
I wonder what was on that train that was so important.
( many loud explosions )
( Hogan grunts )
Eh.... my guess would be airplane parts.